Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Example of how oxycodone keeps me alive

[This was originally a Facebook post, but I kept adding to it. Consequently, I decided this would be an appropriate place for it.]

Imagine every time you go to the bathroom that you have to figure out how to transfer yourself from a chair to the toilet, atop legs you can't control; legs that have become so weak, you almost can't be on them at all. First you have to grab the handicap rail with one hand and the (tall) tub with the other hand. You may be on your feet, but your legs still move however they want and you can't stop them; essentially as if you are having a seizure. If your knee wants to extend all of a sudden, you get to kick the wall or the toilet as hard as possible, which might throw you off your feet and into real danger. But if you're still on your feet, one leg wants to bend while the other leg wants to hyperextend. You can't stop your legs from doing what they want to do. You just have to hope they don't want to move in a way that will get you injured or killed.

Now that you're standing, with your hands holding onto safety devices, try to figure out how you're going to pull down your pants. Option 1: Pull down your pants without hands. Option 2: Pull them down by removing your hands from your safety devices, thus putting yourself in position to fall and get hurt very badly, if not killed. You might be pissing in them already, because you have very little feeling or control in your bladder, which means you get almost no warning every time you have to go to the bathroom.

Phew! You got the pants down without also getting killed or knocked unconscious. Fuck, now there's underwear! (I can't wear underwear anymore because of this. In fact, I haven't worn underwear since about the day after I broke my leg.)

Somehow you manage to get your bare ass on the toilet safely, so you do your business. Now it's time to pull up the pants and get back on the power chair. All that shit you just did, you now have to do again, in reverse. Oh yeah, you can't put any weight on your right leg because you have an injury to your right knee that you desperately need to heal ASAP.

This time you're able to get seated before fully pulling up your pants. Now you have to figure out how to pull up your pants from a seated position. Seems easy if you can move like a normal person, but it's not easy if you can't move. Consequently, more danger.

WITH ESSENTIALLY THE SMALLEST DOSE OF OXYCODONE POSSIBLE, NONE OF THAT IS AN ISSUE. Not once a day; not 20 times a day. That is, with a very small dose of oxycodone (10-15 mg), it is safe for me to piss. Without oxycodone, pissing could very easily get me killed. Without oxycodone, essentially every move I make could get me killed.

But because a tiny percentage of people, all of whom are not me, want to get high on oxycodone, no one will prescribe me the one drug I know from experience can save my life, as well as allow me to get stronger. They have convinced themselves they are protecting me, but they are only keeping me from protecting myself. Consequently, I get to risk my life EVERY TIME I have to use the bathroom. That's my only option, and it's probably going to get me killed. I'm surprised it hasn't already.

About a month ago, I had begun standing to pee, which I hadn't been able to do since a long time before I broke my leg (last year?). I was only able to do that because oxycodone had allowed me to use my body enough to make myself stronger. Today I've decided I need to start using urinal bottles again, to eliminate the danger I've described above. Since I can't safely transport partially filled bottles to the bathroom, I have to dump them in cat litter containers, which I keep beside the living room couch and my bed. Then I have to hope someone (Mom) will come here and dump them in the toilet for me.

I don't want to die, but I'm going to die very soon if I don't get a comfortable supply of oxycodone. I may even have to resort to suicide, because I am absolutely miserable. (It's not withdrawal. I have never had any kind of withdrawal.***) For no reason other than because every doctor I have seen about this has chosen not to help me. If I can only get the help I need, I have lots of life ahead of me. If I can only get the help I need, I may also be able to make the remainder of my life mean something. If you've watched my videos, then you saw how much I improved (and smiled) while I was on a small daily dosage of oxycodone. .

I will try to make a video demonstrating what I've said in this post. If I make one, I will add it to this post.

***I'm pretty sure the main reason why I have never experienced opioid withdrawal, even though I took oxycodone every day for five months, is because I have never taken opioids specifically to get high. Rather, I have always taken as little as possible. I have probably been "high" on opioids at times, but if so, that was only because I took what they gave me in the hospital.  Believe it or not, I determined on my own that it is not good for me to be high. Being high creates significant danger for me. That alone is enough to keep me from abusing drugs.

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